countdown to infinity

And now for somthing completely different.

the holidays are apon us and once agaiain the airways are full of holiday propaganda.

but what do you get for that one speicial person on the shopping list? you know, that far off realative who never outgrew puberty and still listense to metal? that one relative who you only see at the holidays because his parents are to emmbarrassed to let him sit at the grown up table because they are afraid he'll "make a scene"....that one time.

well no longer will you need to actually talk to that....person....to pick out the perfect gift.

in lew of the holidays, i have taken it apon myself to list off...

the top 5 heaviest albums of all time!!!!!!!!

no.5

album: the dethalbum

artist: dethklok

for those of you that dont watch cartoons (I pity you) metalocalypse is a show on adultswim that emodies the insane brutality of most mainstream metal bands ( like cannable corpse). the shows disturbing dark humor consisting of gore and piss(:)) has kept fans in a state of shock and disgust through all three seasons of it. the show is about a metal band called dethklok that have the uncanny ability to summining trolls, slaying dragons and simaltaniasly killing all there fans in the most horrific ways. the humor mostly comes from the band mates ridiculous banter and vulgar language, along with its total overdose of violence. and it also helps that the creator of the show (home movie creator, Brandon small) is a huge metal head himself.

so it was enevitable that there would be a cd containg all there best songs of the first season. just like the show, the songs are over the top, violent and very well done. its obsession of all things blood and gore is so brootal you will listen to it way more than once. the whole album was recorded by Brandon small (along with some other people i have never heard of), so all the instuments sound apropriatly heavy and violent.

favorite tracks:

thunderhorse

bloodocuted

detharmonic

the lost vikings

awaken

no.4

album:black water park

artist: opeth

swedish metal is nothing new, except when it sounds this deep and disturbing. opeths' black water park (oddly enough named after another swedish metal band) sounds so pleasently dark you'll want to listen to it with the lights off. each track on this great album is about 8 to 10 minuts long, and wile there are only 8 tracks, each song needs alot of attention to unshroud the bizzare secrets each song contains. wile opeth is more well known as a prog-rock goup, this album is suprisingly heavy with moody guitar riffs, heavy bass chords, and the singers deep bellowing voice, all wrap up this dark and mysterious album.

favorite tracks:

harvest

bleak

the leper affinity

a funeral portrait

no.3

album: obzen

artist: messuggah

what can be said about meshuggah? a heavy metal band of anti-religeous eouropeans who use high octave jazz-like solos and polyrhythmic drumming? count me in! messuggah is unlike anything you have ever heard, and yet, its like everything you have ever heard. there is at least one song on this album you'r sure to at least like. messuggah can best be discribed as, a more violent and faster version of opeth.


I was going to put there album destroy,erase, improve (which is argably there best). but I thought obzen earned the number 3 for its originaly brootal score and deep archaic vocals. this album is a great stocking stuffer thats heavier than michael moore on a train. thats on fire.




favorite tracks:


almost all of them




no. 2
album: iowa


artist: slipknot

no one does metal like slipknot, and no were is this more apperant than in there heaviest album, iowa. this album punches you in the stomach just to make you stand back up and beg for more. the songs are fast and ferocious, with heavy guitar chords by the late great mick thompson. every track just screams at you till you turn red and start hitting the ceiling (which hurts by the way). iowa is so well composed and full of misguided hatred you cant wait till the next brootal track. the album hits you square in the jaw with (515) and end with a bang with iowa. now, I like slipknot ok, but its the fans who wont shut up about them that completely ruins the experience.

but thats the only downside to buying this cd. its fast its heavy and its one punch in the eye you wont soon forget. this was going to be number 1. until........

favorite tracks:

left behind

liberate

i am hated

disasterpiece

my pleague

(interesting fact: guitarist joey jordison had a brief cameo in the late 90s teen drama "dawsons creek" as the guitarest for a group called the murder-dolls. wile vocalist corey taylor played a small role in the american remake of "the ring")

no.1

album: depths

artist: oceano

now to be fair, oceano is no were near my top 25 favorite bands of all time. or even the top 30. but with that said, this was a very impressive first release for the myspace, chicago metal band. now you may be asking, what makes oceano different from every other wanna be "job for a cowboy" myspace band? well the awnser is.... nothing much. when I first read the booklet that came with the cd, I was really surprised to see that the lead singer was african-american. how many black corey taylor wannabes can you think of?any way, that and some odd add campains ("best online metal group of 09" and "we redifine the term "BLACK" metal." (the last one was quoted by the vocalist)) drew me to the "depths" (ha ha) of this dark abyss.

the one thing that always annoyed me about job for a cowboy was how the singer always went over-board with his signature "pig-squeals", which im sure he thought sounded cool, but just got tedious by the third album. oceano trys to mix it up by replacing the pig noises with more of a... singing werewolf eating a screaming cow......OK so i cant describe it. shut up.

so why is it at number 1 you ask? well this list was not of personal choice, but of how heavy the music was. and compared to the "depths" of oceanos first album, slipknot looks pretty tame. oceano might not be a band for everyone (given that they now hold the record for most fights broken out at each show), but it is the heaviest thing i have heard all year. taking the heavy chords from opeth and messuggah and the screaming bellows of job for a cowboy, oceano is a try before you by deal.this band is hands down, the heaviest band i have ever heard. brootal!

favorite tracks:

district of misery

samual the destroyer

depths

disgust of your kind

with legions

mandatory sacrifice.

as always i dont really care if you agree with me, but if you have some suggestions, email them to me and if you make a good enough point, well good for you then. have a heavy holidays.