Hate ain't enough to describe me

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, pretending to like gifts you're never going to use and spending time with your family even though random selection isn't a good way of determining who's going to get along. But I couldn't enjoy my Christmas. Why? Because whenever I listen to Snuff, all I can think about is Corey Taylor. Wearing a wig and a bra. Which is not a pleasant image. But according to people who post comments on Youtube videos, it is a great "plot twist". Now, ignoring the fact that no one calls John Travolta playing a girl in hairspray an element of the plot, IT WAS NOT FACTORING GREAT! Don't encourage these hectopascals to keep SUCKING! I don't see how any rational human being could see the lead singer of one of their favorite heavy metal bands cross-dressing and think that's because he's a genius. Just because Corey did it doesn't mean its awesome. Every time you listen to the song People = Shit, remember that the lyrics are talking about YOU!

Here's an article of note.

As if the world doesn't have enough problems. Now you're trying to get people to say that problems aren't problems, thereby worsening the problems, and dragging other problems (AIDS) into the crossfire so you can really do some damage. Oh, sure, their's been some opposition. But the fact that something like this is even going to be considered sickens me. Honestly, people. Didn't WWII teach us a lesson?

All hope is indeed gone

So, I just watched Slipknot's music video for their song Snuff, and, uh, I don't want to spoil anything for you, but the surprise plot twist at the end is that Corey Taylor is the girl.

First music video where you don't where your mask. And you're cross dressing.

Snuff said.

James Cameron: The Last Suckbender

Every time I type a title like that, I die a little on the inside. But it's worth it because you die more. Ha ha! So here I go, Avatar bashing time!

Now, I don't have anything against James Cameron. He made Terminator 2, how could I hate him? But he needs to understand that if you're going to spend ten factoring years on one factoring movie, you cannot make it anything less than great. James Cameron seems to think that absolute value is an accurate way to measure suck greatness, because this movie has a lot of shortcomings.

As you've no doubt heard, the movie's plot is really zetta awful! If you can't figure out how it goes within the first half hour, then you're a factoring retard! Cliched is the most accurate way to describe the plot because that is all it is. One cliche after another. The only point of ambiguity I had was whether the movie was about U.S. foreign policy or the environment. Rocks that represent oil, military guy who says preemptive strikes are the only way to stop the terrorists, check, check. But, not only would that mean the movie encourages terrorism, since the "U.S." loses, but James began his work on this movie ten factoring years ago. It could just be a bizarre coincidence, but too much of a coincidence for me.

Then there was the special effects. People said they were awesome. I disagree. Mostly, the color palette annoyed me because you could tell it was special effects. "Special" as in how I would describe anyone that likes Avatar. And your mother. Sure, the robots were done well, but it's nothing you can't see in Transformers 2. I almost feel like saying that movie has a better plot line.

The actual directing and the action sequences were fine, which does not at all make up for the suck in the rest of the movie. Avatar needs to die so people will only remember James Cameron for Terminator 2.

countdown to infinity

And now for somthing completely different.

the holidays are apon us and once agaiain the airways are full of holiday propaganda.

but what do you get for that one speicial person on the shopping list? you know, that far off realative who never outgrew puberty and still listense to metal? that one relative who you only see at the holidays because his parents are to emmbarrassed to let him sit at the grown up table because they are afraid he'll "make a scene"....that one time.

well no longer will you need to actually talk to that....person....to pick out the perfect gift.

in lew of the holidays, i have taken it apon myself to list off...

the top 5 heaviest albums of all time!!!!!!!!

no.5

album: the dethalbum

artist: dethklok

for those of you that dont watch cartoons (I pity you) metalocalypse is a show on adultswim that emodies the insane brutality of most mainstream metal bands ( like cannable corpse). the shows disturbing dark humor consisting of gore and piss(:)) has kept fans in a state of shock and disgust through all three seasons of it. the show is about a metal band called dethklok that have the uncanny ability to summining trolls, slaying dragons and simaltaniasly killing all there fans in the most horrific ways. the humor mostly comes from the band mates ridiculous banter and vulgar language, along with its total overdose of violence. and it also helps that the creator of the show (home movie creator, Brandon small) is a huge metal head himself.

so it was enevitable that there would be a cd containg all there best songs of the first season. just like the show, the songs are over the top, violent and very well done. its obsession of all things blood and gore is so brootal you will listen to it way more than once. the whole album was recorded by Brandon small (along with some other people i have never heard of), so all the instuments sound apropriatly heavy and violent.

favorite tracks:

thunderhorse

bloodocuted

detharmonic

the lost vikings

awaken

no.4

album:black water park

artist: opeth

swedish metal is nothing new, except when it sounds this deep and disturbing. opeths' black water park (oddly enough named after another swedish metal band) sounds so pleasently dark you'll want to listen to it with the lights off. each track on this great album is about 8 to 10 minuts long, and wile there are only 8 tracks, each song needs alot of attention to unshroud the bizzare secrets each song contains. wile opeth is more well known as a prog-rock goup, this album is suprisingly heavy with moody guitar riffs, heavy bass chords, and the singers deep bellowing voice, all wrap up this dark and mysterious album.

favorite tracks:

harvest

bleak

the leper affinity

a funeral portrait

no.3

album: obzen

artist: messuggah

what can be said about meshuggah? a heavy metal band of anti-religeous eouropeans who use high octave jazz-like solos and polyrhythmic drumming? count me in! messuggah is unlike anything you have ever heard, and yet, its like everything you have ever heard. there is at least one song on this album you'r sure to at least like. messuggah can best be discribed as, a more violent and faster version of opeth.


I was going to put there album destroy,erase, improve (which is argably there best). but I thought obzen earned the number 3 for its originaly brootal score and deep archaic vocals. this album is a great stocking stuffer thats heavier than michael moore on a train. thats on fire.




favorite tracks:


almost all of them




no. 2
album: iowa


artist: slipknot

no one does metal like slipknot, and no were is this more apperant than in there heaviest album, iowa. this album punches you in the stomach just to make you stand back up and beg for more. the songs are fast and ferocious, with heavy guitar chords by the late great mick thompson. every track just screams at you till you turn red and start hitting the ceiling (which hurts by the way). iowa is so well composed and full of misguided hatred you cant wait till the next brootal track. the album hits you square in the jaw with (515) and end with a bang with iowa. now, I like slipknot ok, but its the fans who wont shut up about them that completely ruins the experience.

but thats the only downside to buying this cd. its fast its heavy and its one punch in the eye you wont soon forget. this was going to be number 1. until........

favorite tracks:

left behind

liberate

i am hated

disasterpiece

my pleague

(interesting fact: guitarist joey jordison had a brief cameo in the late 90s teen drama "dawsons creek" as the guitarest for a group called the murder-dolls. wile vocalist corey taylor played a small role in the american remake of "the ring")

no.1

album: depths

artist: oceano

now to be fair, oceano is no were near my top 25 favorite bands of all time. or even the top 30. but with that said, this was a very impressive first release for the myspace, chicago metal band. now you may be asking, what makes oceano different from every other wanna be "job for a cowboy" myspace band? well the awnser is.... nothing much. when I first read the booklet that came with the cd, I was really surprised to see that the lead singer was african-american. how many black corey taylor wannabes can you think of?any way, that and some odd add campains ("best online metal group of 09" and "we redifine the term "BLACK" metal." (the last one was quoted by the vocalist)) drew me to the "depths" (ha ha) of this dark abyss.

the one thing that always annoyed me about job for a cowboy was how the singer always went over-board with his signature "pig-squeals", which im sure he thought sounded cool, but just got tedious by the third album. oceano trys to mix it up by replacing the pig noises with more of a... singing werewolf eating a screaming cow......OK so i cant describe it. shut up.

so why is it at number 1 you ask? well this list was not of personal choice, but of how heavy the music was. and compared to the "depths" of oceanos first album, slipknot looks pretty tame. oceano might not be a band for everyone (given that they now hold the record for most fights broken out at each show), but it is the heaviest thing i have heard all year. taking the heavy chords from opeth and messuggah and the screaming bellows of job for a cowboy, oceano is a try before you by deal.this band is hands down, the heaviest band i have ever heard. brootal!

favorite tracks:

district of misery

samual the destroyer

depths

disgust of your kind

with legions

mandatory sacrifice.

as always i dont really care if you agree with me, but if you have some suggestions, email them to me and if you make a good enough point, well good for you then. have a heavy holidays.

It doesn't change the fact that YOU SUCK!

The "I hate Megan Fox" facebook group I joined changed it's name to "I HATE MEGAN FOX (because im ugly and shes prettier than me)!" It goes without saying that this is a travesty of justice. Not only is Megan Fox ugly, thereby invalidating the possibility of her being prettier than me, but that's... not... why I hate her...

I suppose I should have been prepared for such a radical shift in thinking, since I was the only factoring male in the factoring group, but the pain of betrayal still hurts me on a very deep emotional level. Now I have to sever all ties with that group and find a new, better one. Or maybe I'll start a group for XYs against Megan Fox. That'd be okay by me. But it is bothering that I have to be inconvenienced so by feminine jealousy.

One is a Lonely Number

After what seemed like weeks with kongregate receiving no new (good) games other than Dragon Age: Journeys, which probably shouldn't be under the good category anyways, I was pleased to find a game that did not fall under the category of good because it bypassed it and went to true zetta greatness in the form of The Company of Myself.

Company starts out with a zetta engaging passage in which the main character explains why he's going to explain his life to you via platforming/puzzle-solver. At this point, the player has already noticed that the game's music fits the storyline perfectly, which brings me to the biggest strength of Company: the atmosphere/storytelling. The game actually made me feel emotions like sadness at certain points through the story. The atmosphere gives you the impression of solitude (not the horror kind, though) throughout the game.

And then we get to the puzzles. At first, the semi-braid inspired gameplay element of being to record actions in order to "multitask" as well as use yourself as platforms is zetta intriguing. The first 2/3 of the puzzles work great, and actually make you think. Unfortunately, the last third requires that the player be precise about where he places his clones, forcing him to compensate for clones that aren't quite here yet. A slight misstep can mean repeating the entire level, which is unnecessarily tedious. The game's unreasonably short length (less than an hour) prevents you from seeing any really cool puzzles, leaving you to wonder how the gameplay could have been used. Nonetheless, Company is a great game that I would enjoy seeing a sequel to.

Motionless in fear and this moment with your shirt off live review

I was very, very ticked off when In This Moment covered Blondie's Call Me, and apparently, I wasn't the only one because now In This Moment has to suffer two hours onstage each night instead of just a measly half hour! Poetic justice ftw! Now, there's no way I could pass up this opportunity to point and laugh at them for their moral failings, so I naturally brought a ticket to this concert.

But before I discuss how much In This Moment failed, I need to address the four opening acts (that's too many, by the way). The first two were local bands, the second of which was doing its first show ever. The first made me wonder if I can start a band since I'm confident, as illogical as anyone who's ever heard me try to do so may think, that I could be a better singer than their lead singer. I'm also probably a better songwriter than their guitarist, so no, I did not enjoy hearing this band live.

I unfortunately could not remember the name of the second band after the concert, which is a shame because any band that writes a song called Don't Make Bacon With Your Shirt Off deserves to have their name remembered. Oh well. Naturally, the band was strong lyrically, but they were only okay musically. And, while I suppose it is nitpicky to say this about a band doing their first show, they didn't do that good a job of interacting with the crowd, especially when you consider how much they talked.

Then came Motionless in White, the best band I heard all night. Apart from having an awesome haircut, Motionless in White's lead singer Chris is also a decent performer. Maybe not the best at engaging the crowd, but what he did on stage was cool. Their music was not the best I have ever heard, but it was good.

In Fear and Faith: Boring all around. Don't want to say much more.

As for In This Moment... Fuck all of you! This was the most disappointing concert I've ever fucking been to! What the fuck is wrong with you? You guys were good last time I saw you... what the fuck happened?

The two-hour timespan gave In This Moment all the time they needed to play lesser-known songs from The Dream, despite the fact that, you know, it's their more hated album. But I didn't enjoy listening to the songs from Beautiful Tragedy since they didn't play all that well. You just nerfed the music part of your concert! Conglatulations!

As for their performance... lolsauce, you should already know that it sucked! Unless you wanted to see up Maria's skirt (which I could do from the 12th row) their wasn't really anything interesting to see on stage. Interaction with the crowd was also a big fail; the volume of movement was actually less than when the opening acts were on stage, if that tells you anything.

But Maria did make an inspirational speech in between songs, and for that I can compare In This Moment to Rise Against. So I will: In This Moment isn't as good as Rise Against in any way, shape or form. Way to disappoint your fans, guys.

Newest bullet hell shooter I played on kongregate: Red Fluxion!

Unlike some popular bullet hell shooters, Red Fluxion is fast paced, challenges you, and isn't afraid to make you wonder if your computer can handle that many bullets. Sometimes it feels cheep, and you'll wonder if that boss's attack can actually be dodged a bit too often. And, as with Pixelvader, anything but bosses sometimes feels like a waste of time as you quite effortlessly eliminate hordes of munchkins by superior firepower alone. But is it fun? Yes, and that's all that matters. It's not the most fun I've ever had, but still worth playing.

While beating the game isn't that hard, the game's grading system challenges you quite a zetta bit. Now, some of it seems unreasonable (beat the level without getting hit? Psh!), and the fact that some letters get assigned a "-" but not a "+" and vice versa is irksome, especially since some important landmarks are missing (don't lose any lives gets you no better grade than losing one life). However, the simple addition of an object that tracks and displays your average grade actually gives you a push for a better grade. Unfortunately, there's no gameplay reward for getting a better grade. You only get 13 factoring skill points, give me another for getting a factoring A-!

Speaking of which, I did like that the upgrade system didn't let you get every power up the way Pixelvader's did. You actually have to implement strategy in what upgrades you choose, you can't say: "Oh, I'll get that upgrade later," or something ridiculous that ruins the game's difficulty.

I'm Serious!

Anyone who watches every movie made by the Coen Brothers and doesn't like at least one of them has serious issues, such as their lack of friends caused by them being boring, inability to experience joy, dissatisfaction with everything, and an IQ lower than 30. Whether or not they're the best is debatable, but they've made a decent variety of movies with a somewhat consistent quality throughout. The biggest consistency unifying movies like O Brother, Where Art Thou and No Country for Old Men is that the Coen brothers make movies that are different. Sometimes, different is a euphemism for weird, while other times it means unique.

Their newest movie, A Serious Man, goes as far to the point of weird as any Coen Brother movie has ever gone and keeps going until no one's bothered to keep track of the factoring thing anymore. I've seen some people address certain happenings of the movie as subplots, but the etymology of that word means under the main plot, so I don't see how this movie could have a subplot. I suppose you could argue that the main character's attempts to resolve each and every one of these subplots simultaneously could be considered a main plot, but calling something a main plot when it couldn't exist without the subplots seems like a zetta shady use of the word.

"No main plot? Why the factor should I see this movie?" Well, A Serious Man doesn't strike me as the kind of movie that wants to entertain. The phrase Postmodern Literature comes to mind when I think of A Serious Man. For some of you, that label may conjure up bad memories of high school English class. And believe me, it does for me, too. But the problem with Postmodern Literature is that they tried to make reading hard. However, you can't make watching a movie hard for anyone who doesn't have epilepsy. Sure, there was a bit of confusion when you watched the movie, and I can't say I loved the movie until the morning after I watched it when I realized the whole thing was genius, but it doesn't feel like a chore the way Postmodern Literature does. I never hated the movie.

Furthermore, there were still plenty of parts scattered amongst the confusion that I could understand, most notably scenes questioning faith and religion. Some scenes made more sense after I was given time to think, particularly the ending, which I would declare a moment of genius. There are some scenes I still don't understand the meaning of, and, as such, still think about them a bit too much.

Now, based on the fact that Raam and I were the only ones in the theaters not laughing every two seconds, I realize I can't say you'll watch A Serious Man and have the exact same experience I did. Even looking at the comments on Facebook, some people have already come up with interpretations vastly different than me. So don't have any objective expectations if you do watch this movie; that would be zetta retarded.

On a side note, I saw a negative view criticizing this movie for being misanthropic. Let's exclude for the fact that this movie can be interpreted multiple ways, and, using the same principle as the rorschach blot test, if you perceived such misanthropic themes, that says something about you and not the factoring movie. Let's focus on the fact that, by complaining, you lost you're right to complain because idiots like you who give movies bad reviews for challenging their world view and not giving them a sticker in the shape of a star labeled: "You're special!" are exactly the kind of people who cause others to be misanthropes. Be the change you want to see in the world; stop sucking at lifes and the misanthropes will go away.

What is this game that I am playing?

Sometimes, it feels like puzzle games are an invading army trying to conquer Kongregate and suck it dry of all it's good games. Seriously, puzzle games aren't this zetta numerous at retail stores, are they? The issue with them is that few understand what it takes to make a good puzzle game. You can either go the Tetris route and give the player an infinite number of blocks to deal with at the speed of light, or you can go the Portal route and make your puzzles more than an issue of what order to press buttons in.

The puzzle game I played most recently (Exploit) understood that to a point. Instead of just figuring out what order to press buttons in, you have to do it with timing, as the effects of pressing buttons is often temporary yet you'll need certain effects to be in place for certain buttons to do anything. Does this sound interesting? No? Conglatulations! You're not a complete idiot. Experimenting with timing feels like a complete chore; I figured out the right order, just let me win! Some puzzles put in purposely unnecessary buttons so it's harder to remember which ones you have to press, which annoyed me. Other puzzles use this limited time thing to make you do the same thing twice. I already proved I could do it! Be real!

But the focus of this "game" isn't the gameplay, it's so obviously the storyline. Filled with anti-China information freedom fighting wrath, the storyline convinced me that terrorism is bad. Which has something to do with information being censored. But, more importantly, terrorism is easy if you have access to information. Yes, I don't know if I should be for or against the message now. Okay, it made some good points about terrorism, but it really could have used an editor or 3000.

Doesn't have sexual identity issues

Zetta sweet awesomeness, I'm the only male in the anti-Megan Fox facebook group I just joined recently. That means I'm smarter than 48% of the world! Which, of course, I already knew, but now I have proof. Undeniable proof that not even Socrates could shoot down, because this is just so factoring awesome it justifies gendercide. Down with all who thought Transformers 2 was awesome because Megan Fox was in it, it was awesome because one of the robots was a giant vacuum cleaner!* GROAAARRRWOARRRZZZZ!!!


*To clarify, Transformers 2 wasn't awesome, but if it had been, that would have been why.

I have the blood of men who've killed inside my veins

In between shooting things and discussing the finer points of misanthropy with my iPod, I often discuss with my DS how zetta flawed Japan's youth culture is. Recently, my DS determined that if demons were to ever invade Tokyo, this would result in a catastrophic series of events that would leave the world with a 20% chance to not end up a worse place. What the factor am I talking about?



I had had an interest in the Shin Megami Tensei series for a while, but the series' tendency to be on the PS2 interfered. When a Shin Megami Tensei game came out for the DS, the most superior system of this console generation, I just had to go out and beg Raam for money to buy the game with. And am I disappointed? Nope!

But let's not leave any room for misconceptions, Devil Survivor is not for everyone. First off, there's a lot of talking. Now I'd argue that most of it is time well spent (the Midori plot arc wasn't just a factoring waste of time, it was zetta obnoxious), but it still feels odd to spend more time talking than playing. The game also contains a certain degree of difficulty, meaning you might actually have to think, which is probably a big turn off for most everyone. The game's storyline is also the kind that challenges your beliefs, meaning anyone with a stick up their butt or who lives in rainbow pony land should probably avoid the game. I personally consider two/thirds of these to be good things, but I understand that not everyone is as zetta awesome as me, thus I have listed it.

Now, to avoid looking like a hypocrite for criticizing MGS 4 due to it's lack of gameplay in favor of cinematics, I'll start with Devil Survivor's success at making the player feel like he has a choice as to how the story plays out. Rarely do you feel like you're being forced to make a certain decision (the few exceptions being the Midori plot arc and deciding that your character is a psychopathic serial killer and should murder his teammates in their sleep), and, as the game has five different endings, you actually can make a difference on the plot. The biggest issue, really, is that, not having infinite cartridge space or development time, you rarely have more than two options. As a result, the options are often found a cult around character or give character the finger. In other situations, it's tell character he's awesome or tell character he's great. That's what I would have done anyways, but how was I supposed to know the character woke up today and decided that anyone who says awesome instead of great is ONE OF THEM? One wrong choice all too often means you can't get a certain ending, which is obnoxious.

The storyline itself is mostly awesome, with the most notable exception already having been listed. The beginning leaves the player in a state of confusion, the middle is said exception, the near end got an emotional response from me (a praiseworthy thing), and the endings... well, they were hit and miss. The plot twist at the end being that Japan gets a permanent seat on the UN council... unacceptable! Zetta fail! Finding out that you just factored the whole world, despite your best intentions? Yayz! Ironically, the "good" endings don't get such a yay factor. 'Cause they're boring. There's also a philosophical level to the storyline, stemming from its commentary on Japan's youth culture. The fact that you really can't fairly call anyone a villain (something I like in a work of fiction) also helps make it interesting.

As for the gameplay, it is zetta superb! The beginning starts off a bit boring because of your limited skill selection, and I found skill cracking to be a rather tedious way to earn new skills, but, once you've got some skills you like, the fame gets more interesting. The limitations put on when you can equip skills, such as not being able to give the same skill to two characters, adds a layer of strategy to the game. The skills are slightly innovative, although not enough that they'll win awards. However, the skills don't always feel balanced, especially when we're discussing different character types. Physical attackers don't seem to do any more damage than mages, but, unlike mages, they're powerless against an enemy with physical repel. Some individual skills seem useless because they do less for a higher cost, but that doesn't actually detract from the game.

The battlefield itself provides its share of strategical challenges. To my delight, the harder missions were the ones with an objective other than, "Go kill stuff". You actually have to think to beat most of the missions. Even on the missions with basic objectives, rushing in and trying to overpower everything won't work.

One thing that annoyed me was that the more prolific skills weren't available until very near the end of the game (the last mission), so I really didn't have time to experiment with them. Sure, there's a new game plus feature, but that made the game to easy. Some skills were also only available on certain endings, so certain strategies weren't available outside of new game plus. You do get a single extra mission if you engage in new game plus; the battle with Lucifer. However, this battle requires that you power level to above level 90 to win (I was hardly level 60 when I beat the game). Power leveling = BAD!!! You're not a MMORPG, Devil Survivor.

I've seen many people praise the demon fusion system, and, well, it was fun when I was doing it wrong and always had lower level demons than my more numerous computer enemies. But once I figured out the proper way to do it, it lost all charm and became a chore to be endured. I would've felt happier if they made buying powerful demons a more feasible option, as demon fusion is too tedious for my tastes.

If you're look for a deep, tactical experience, or a deep storyline, Devil Survivor is as good an option as any. It won't be considered a classic, but, with it's replay value, it's more than worth it's price tag.

September Music Destructicon Part THREE

So yeah, Raam and I were playing Pixelvader on co-op, and we both have this theory that you can get high from playing the game while listening to Still Alive. Seriously, it was the trippiest thing I've ever done.

In more important stuffs, the best album I downloaded this September:



Now, I'm a metalhead, so normally, when a Paramore album is the best I download in a month, I get depressed, and a sick part of my brain thinks that cutting myself would be a neat way to get revenge on Three Days Grace and Skillet. But I'm not complaining about Brand New Eyes pwning the month of September because it is zetta awesomeness in audio file format.

Considering it was a debut album, All We Know is Falling wasn't that bad. Their second album, Riot, took on a more rock/less pop sound, and was the better album mainly because it had Misery Business on it. Sure, it also had Crushcrushcrush, but I'm willing to overlook such fatal errors when you've got an album like Riot.

But now, Paramore has gone back to the more pop/less rock style of All We Know is Falling, only different still. It seems kind of embarrassing for Paramore to still not have really found a sound they're comfortable with. Ignorance is the only song that continues in the direction Riot started, with every other song taking a step backwards. To complicate things, Ignorance is the best song on the album. Now what am I supposed to make at that? Does this mean Paramore was better off with the style of Riot, or is that simply just probability?

But then again, the album does deliver in quality. HaYley Williams added in some more variety in her singing, indicating that the band still has plenty of room to evolve. Sure, her singing's imperfect at times, such as in the chorus of the only exception, but overall, HaYley did a much better job singing on this album than she did on Paramore's previous albums. The guitar playing also improved, but not by as much as the singing did. The drumming stayed about the same (not to my liking)('cause I'm a metalhead), but yeah, I can't really complain when the singing and guitar playing are both better.

The lyrics of Riot actually seemed like they got worse, but Brand New Eyes corrected that mistake. The choruses are sometimes iffy, but the subject matter of the lyrics makes for a more interesting listen than songs that contain lines like, "Let's be more than this," and some of the lyrics in the verses and bridges are zetta praiseworthy. Definitely room for improvement, but also good as it stands.

Brand New Eyes is Paramore's best album, but it also doesn't feel like it will stay their best. Paramore's still got a long way to go before they've reached their best, which is saying something considering the level they're on right now.

September Music Destructicon Part Two

Now how the factor could I review Skillet's new album without reviewing Three Days Grace's new album? So, the most disappointing album I've downloaded in quite a while:



I don't like debut albums, and TDG's debut album helped support this dislike. Mind you, it had I Hate Everything About You on it, but once you get bored of that song, you listen to Scared six times and the album loses all appeal. One-x, on the other hand, is one of the best albums I have ever heard. This was mainly because Barry Stock joined. Not only is Barry Stock a better guitarist than Adam Gontier, but Barry Stock's guitar playing complements Gontier's singing better then Gontier's guitar playing complements guitar's singing (strange). Gontier himself improved as a guitarist, possibly because he wasn't taking painkillers anymore, and his singing also got better overall, elevating him to best melodic singer status.

Now, having both Barry and Gontier work on the same album created for quite the zetta diverse album, but, as with all guitarists, they changed their sound slightly for this album, but in opposite directions, making this album as diverse as a Rise Against album. Gontier wasn't so sure he wanted to stick with this whole metal thing and wrote songs like Lost in You and Without You, whereas Barry went in more a slipknotian direction and wrote The Good Life.

Now, a Slipknot fan would cry just trying to imagine the lyrics to a Slipknot song called The Good Life, and rightly so. Hearing Gontier shout, "All I want is to have a good time," where Corey Taylor would shout, "WE WILL BURN YOUR CITIES DOWN!" is actually somewhat humorous. Okay, the good life was the best song on the album, but it just seems like a waste to pull a Scars on Broadway and make a good song worse for the lyrics when TDG's last album had average lyrics. The lyrics for Gontier's songs don't seem out of place, but they feel out of context on several of Stock's songs.

One problem I had with One-x is that Barry seemed to think that only including one good riff per song is acceptable, and did that on every song but Animal I Have Become. Sure, Gontier's such an amazing singer that he makes up for that, but it seems like laziness to me. Barry Stock made a step toward fixing this problem of his, and the riffs of his songs have quality outside of that intro riff they repeat after the chorus. On the other hand, Adam Gontier went in the other direction and stopped being a good singer. Factor you, Adam Gontier. In some songs, he tried his hand at non-melodic singing; a huge mistake. Other times, he simply lacks the quality of One-x.

Now, Life Starts Now is an iffy album to judge because, while memorable songs are limited, none of the songs really feel like fillers; the quality of the album is much less sporadic than your typical album. Is it better to have few good singles but not have wasted space on your album? That's up to you decide, but I'm going to classify Life Starts Now as a failure.

September Music Destructicon Part One

This September, I downloaded exactly three albums, two of which were special editions, and all three bands changed their sound more than a new album warrants. So, in order of most crap to least crap, I'm going to review all three of those albums this week.

And, the (un)lucky #1 is...

First Skillet Album I downloaded. After hearing quite a few too many of their singles, I really expected better from their album. I also didn't think the classification of Christian Rock was right until I heard this album. So a few too many surprises.

Now, let's cut the crap: No one listens to Skillet for their music. That's just so zetta silly I wouldn't know how to react if someone told me they did. The Last Night was your favorite song off of Comatose because you cut yourself and could relate to the lyrics and thought they had a nice message. So I'm going to save you the time and tell you to not bother with the lyrics of Awake. As I hinted at above, they're much more Christian and much less I-feel-your-pain lyrics. Well, they're not all all Christian, of course. Just take their lyrics from Monster, which totally aren't plagiarized from Three Days Grace's Animal I Have Become: "It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls/It comes awake and I can't control it/Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head."

*snort*

Well, don't those just sound-

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! LOLSAUCE!!!!!!

-like perfectly zetta good lyrics?

So okay, you can't come to terms with the new style of lyrics, but Skillet's not bad musically. Comatose had the title track and Whispers in the Dark (overrated, but still an okay song). Why can't Awake have good music? Well, it sounds a bit more mainstream, and, oh, yeah, a bit more like CRAP! I've definitely heard the intro to Hero before, most likely in a Linkin Park song, and the only thing to distinguish the rest of the song from every other song you heard on the radio today is Jen Ledger's backup vocals. And, speaking of vocals, John Cooper isn't a very good lead singer. Well, sure, he gets the singing part down, but not the voice. It's too raspy, like Till Lindemann without the awesome. Both of the band's other vocalists get the voice part down, but you don't notice because they don't have as many parts! The guitar playing in Monster is fine, but as for the rest of the CD... drumming was average. Don't feel like saying more.

So no, Skillet's Awake did not convince me that God is zetta awesome enough that I should turn to religion for comfort. It did make me want to read Letter to a Christian Nation or watch Religulous, though. A disappointing album for Skillet fans, but a delight fort everyone else.

"Contra: Rebirth" a.k.a. "Contra 4"?

If a developer who's previous best game had "Justice League Heroes" somewhere in it's title could make the best Contra game ever, then why can't every developer make a good Contra game? The answer is that Wayforward Technologies hadn't been given a fair chance before Contra 4. But let's give some other random dev a chance and publish the game on wiiware. Developers who happened to like NeoContra. A Ps2 Contra other than Shattered Soldier. Sniffle Sniffle.

But the developers didn't do as bad a job as I thought they would. Sure, the voice acting's worse than it was in Hard Corps (that took quite an effort), some songs on the soundtrack are painful to listen to, and the graphics feel primitive, but the level design was passable. Unlike Hard Corps, Rebirth understood that Contra isn't about being hard, it's about being fun by challenging yourself. I rarely felt like a death was cheap or because of bad design, and when I did, I eventually realized that it was wrong of me to think so. The game is the good kind of difficulty all the way through.

Although I feel a bit dishonest about calling it "difficult". I don't really think the infinite continues is the issue; that's a change I welcome. The real issue is that the game on nightmare with seven lives is about as hard as Contra 3 on easy with, say, five lives? Not exactly difficult enough to be called Contra, eh?Sure, this makes it better to play with with you Contra-inept friends, but, considering how little difference in difficulty it feels like there is between the four different settings, I think this co-op friendly design could've been implemented better.

However, some of the gameplay aspects annoyed me. I liked how Contra 4 had two different levels of power-ups and made your starter weapon next to useless; that's what made the game so intense (you lose your power-up when you die). Rebirth scaled your arsenal of power-ups down to three, all of which have one level. None of them have the rate of fire of your standard machine gun. And what are the three lucky power-ups? Obviously, spread shot's in them. Homing found its way into the game, much to my delight. And, last but not least... LASER!!!! A power-up hated as much as spread shot is loved. All it does is damage, but spread shot at point blank does more, and laser is slower than any other weapon, making it less than useless. So two power-ups. No big deal.

I'm happy to have another Contra game that doesn't feel like a travesty, but I also feel like it could have easily been better. Maybe this will truly mark a Rebirth of the Contra series, or maybe it'll be a repeat of what happened on the PS2.

Colossal Failure

I am a big fan of well made shooters, and I'm also a big hater of poorly made shooters. You'd think that would be a lot of people's mentality, but the fact that Frantic 2 got zetta better ratings than Pixelvader proves you wrong. So today I'm going to review yet another bad shooter: Cube Colossus!

The idea of the game is that you run around shooting cubes. So no, it's not fun because it's different. You can upgrade your ship's attack, energy (more or less translates to firing speed), and shields, as well as buying new weapons and ships. Uninteresting upgrade system. With all this, the game has to be well-made, like Pixelvader, to be fun. Or it could have a good storyline, but I only played the first five lives levels, so the potentially interesting storyline was lost on me, although the writing did have it's merits, I will admit that.

But the game seems to think that having a ridiculously small roster of enemies is okay. Which it most certainly isn't. To add to this, enemies fill the screen, taking up all the space you would use to, you know, dodge? But who needs to dodge attacks when you've got a ridiculously easy game with an upgrade system that has the potential to take all the challenge out of everything? LOLSAUCE! Dodging attacks!

But the real shortcoming of this game is the controls. Rather than moving with WASD and aiming with the mouse, you move with the mouse and aim with WASD. Now, obviously, aiming with WASD is a zetta terrible idea that could never, ever, ever, ever, EVER work, so the developers added in an auto targeting system. Which would have worked if your enemies weren't constantly moving or your bullets were fast enough to compensate for this, but that simply isn't the case, so you have to aim with WASD, which feels clunky and unusable since your aim changes directions constantly to compensate for the movement of the enemy you're targeting. This can easily be remedied by purchasing a spreadshot-like weapon that doesn't do as much damage (but the game' so easy that you won't care), but then all you're doing is dodging. And, since this game managed to make dodging BORING...

All in all, Cube Colossus isn't fun. Maybe someone who played through the whole game could tell me that the story makes it worth it, but I simply don't care. I'm going to go replay Pixelvader because that's more fun than this.

Wasn't your Mann Gegan Mann music video enough?

So, I just saw the album cover art for Rammstein's newest album, which the name of could not be discerned through the sea of asterisks iTunes kindly provided, and uh...

I'm not downloading that album. Ever.

I'd put a cheesy pun in the title, but the developers already did for me

Lots of video game franchises have histories of developer shifts, switching publishers, bad games in the series, etc. etc., but none of them really seem to also be a lesson in game design the way the history of the Contra series does. Contras one and two were, even for their time, brutally difficult, but still managed to attract a fan base. Why? Because they were zetta awesome. Contra three is an undisputed classic because it was even more zetta amazing, but after that, the series started to decline when the developers left to form Treasure and program Seven Force. With the exception of Shattered Soldier, none of the games were much fun, relying on innovative gameplay like 3rd person elements and health bars rather than good design.

Just recently, I played the Contra game that marked the start of the series' decline, Contra: Hard Corps. Just from reading the title I know something was wrong because all Contra games are hardcore. You don't need to advertise it in the factoring title! But after starting to play, I realized the developers weren't complete idiots. Sure, they took away the difficulty select and the option to give yourself more than three lives, but they gave you different characters that had different upgrades, a gameplay change I'd actually call progress rather than a marketing gimmick.

Now then, Hard Corps saw that Contra three had taken advantage of the new technology brought along by the SNES to make more bosses, some of which were zetta epic. The logical step now that you've transferred to the Genesis would be to go all the way and make the game 80% bosses, right? That may have been a good idea, but what wasn't a good idea was not doing a good job making these bosses. Contra three had the kind of bosses that shoot lasers, whereas too many of the bosses in Hard Corps were the kind of bosses that you needed to have faced before to have a chance to beat, which isn't good when you only have three lives, plus maybe two bonus lives, and lose your power-up whenever you die. For example, one of the bosses spawns on the ground on the right side of the screen, but waits until you've had enough time to walk over to the right side of the screen before spawning. It's a timer, so if you've faced the boss before and lost a life because you were so arrogant as to walk towards the end of the level (you factoring hectopascal!), you'll know what to do. But on your first playthrough, you suffer a cheap death.

Other bosses are an exercise in standing still and pressing the shoot button, while some are just plain easy. Don't believe me? Go onto youtube and watch anyone's playthrough of the first level. In that level, there's a boss that cannot attack the spot right under his hitzone until after you've had enough time to kill him with the starter weapon. It really just wastes my time when I want to be having fun.

On the other hand, this game was quite graphically impressive for its time. The opening was amazing, and a lot of the bosses have zetta cool animations. The soundtrack was also amazing, especially for the genesis. Anyone who's into synthetic video game music should check it out. I will, however not lie; the synthetic "voice acting" really did annoy me. It worked for Brownie since, you know, he's a robot, but was otherwise a fail.

The storyline and writing, on the other hand, I must attack with extreme prejudice. The villain's hiding under a garbage dump! What the factor? Iz are evil cause I talk like a villain! I trying to overthrow government that could be stabbing puppies to entertain selves! I evil! Now, not many video games had good storylines at this time, but considering how they actually have periods where the game stops for dialogue, it annoys me that they can't at least try to make it interesting.

What I guess really went wrong with Hard Corps is that they were trying to be hard for the sake of hard. The first three Contras and Contra 4 were hard for the sake of being fun. Making games hard isn't a good idea if you're just doing it because you can. You need to pair it design that isn't factored, or your game is going to suck.

A franticly written review

So recently I looked at the comments for my beloved pixelvader after successfully beating it without health regeneration (not as hard as I thought. Missiles are overpowered, too), and some noobs thought Frantic was better the same way some noobs think Rock Band is better than Guitar Hero. /point. Now anyways, I had played Frantic before and wondered how any factoring hectopascal could be stupid enough to think that Frantic is fun, let alone more zetta fun than Pixelvader.

Nonetheless, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and decided to play Frantic 2, failsauce edition. I started by clicking the easy button, then immediately came to regret that. I then started over, clicked the hard button, and couldn't tell the difference. See, Pixelvader actually had a degree of difficulty to it. Didn't quite reach Touhou or Contra standards for difficulty, but who gives a digit!

I was also befuddled by the title, since bullets seem to move at a rate of about two pixels a second. Two factoring pixels. Seriously, my grammy could outrun these bullets. Sure, there are a lot of them, but that's only because they stay on the screen for an hour apiece. Bullets also have the zetta annoying tendency to not move until a few years after they've spawned, perhaps to give the player the impression that this game is indeed zetta challenging and they only beat it because they're psychic and can see the bullets coming before they move.

The game was also a bigger Touhou rip-off than Pixelvader, directly copying its drifting system. This drifting system was also zetta easy to abuse, since, you know, the bullets move ridiculously slow. Furthermore, your sprite just has to get near the bullets, not on the bullets, making drifting the most ridiculously easy thing you'll ever do. Kind of like beating this game.

And, unlike in Pixelvader, the bosses are nothing to write home about. They're all simplistic, which isn't surprising since they're all the same. They all start stationary with some turrets at their side, then start moving once the turrets are gone while shooting bullets that start stationary, only visible to the psychic and the not psychic, before moving in their bland and uninspired patterns, all while your tiny hit zone maneuvers itself through them with no challenge since this game is easy, slow paced, and, overall, not challenging. If you want a fun bullet hell game, then please... just play Touhou.

guitar hero vs. rock band round 2

well its been an exciting three years for rythem games. before 2007 we had games like DDR, beat mania, and other stuff that im sure didnt suck. but i remember playing the best in the new (and what used to be called innovative) guitar hero series. the first guitar hero one was massivly overlooked. what do i mean? can anyone, without the help of the internet, remember 7 songs from it?.............. no? didnt think so.

then guitar hero 2 came and blew everyone....... 's freakin socks off.

it was more thrashy, more hardcore, and more humouris ("trogdor", "thunderhorse", "elephant bones") and felt like an actual guitar game with music for almost anyone.

then 2007 reared its oversold head and dear sweet harmonix left its forbidden lover, red octane, to go off a write L. ron hubberd fan fiction.

not really, they went to make rock band.

so the first music game we saw that fatefull year was red octanes (and its new boy toy neversoft) guitar hero 3, a game that apperently ran full fledged out the door and was all the way in san antonio before it relised it foregot to put on pants.

metaphores rule.

what do i mean?

even though it had by far the best soundtrack of the series, it had lost its thrashyness and traded in the series staple of classic rock for a more new age audiance.

it was more about hitting the right notes than seeing how fast you could brake your controller. and i felt kinda disapointed.

it did have some great bands,

slipknot

RATM

deftones

dead kennedys

level 70 elite tauren chieften

foo fighters

and queens of the stone age

as well as some real crap,

priesstess

tenacious d

heart

but the problem i have is with the good bands they have, guitar hero (as well as mtv) has a way of commiting musical suicide that not even beethoven could of belived.

what do i mean again?

guitar hero takes an unpopular band, over plays one of its songs and suddenly you have little kids saying they've listened to "before i forget" before it was popular and cant name another slipknot song to save there worthless lives.

and that pisses me off.

so any way rock band kicked guitar heros ass like crack kicked dj a.m's ass. (wow that is way to soon)

rock band was inovative and fun with tons of dlc in the first few weeks of release.

but guitar hero would rise again in 2008. guitar hero picked up (totaly f**king ripped of) on the whole band idea with lousy drums, an upgraded guitar and a universal mic. wow.

but that aside it had an awsome tracklist that spanned a wide array of music fans.

it even had something for the 4% of us in the country that still like TOOL. and something for the rest who hate it.it was still a joy to play even with faulty equipment. and even with the help of ROCK JAM(tm) instruments kept catching on fire or something stupid.

rock band 2 did not fair well that year. the instrument trouble was finaly fixed and the game looked alot better, the only problem was he tracklist. it kinda sucked.

so 2008 goes to guitar hero

(wait, guitar hero had that insufferable song by paramore)....

ITS A TIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now 2009 has come and for some reason the human race is still going strong.

and thus again we have an on going war between the thrashers and people with friends.

guitar hero again started of the year with guitar hero mettalica, in which i have a two word review,

metallica, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (sarcasm)

and a few months later we get sma(sh-its) ha ha. but seriuosly who cares.

and now we got Hugh Heffner advertising guitar hero 5 (showing that now guitar hero is officialy for dumb blonds and old guys)

what do i have to say about gh5.

it is =>garbage.

yes the juke box mode is nice and the track list does have some good titles ("smells like teen spirit", about f**king time) but if you will look closer you will see black magic at work.

first of all, Curt Cobain makes a cameo. wierd, I could of sworn he was dead.

BLACK MAGIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!&&&%%%%%%%%%%$$$$$$$$$$$$

also in songs like du hast, judeth and blue orchid, what the hell instrument are you playing?

in du hast its mostly key board and how can you include blue orchid in the bass chareer when the white stripes dont even have a bassist.

this is not a guitar game, its an animal farm key board simulater that makes different instruent noises, minus the cow and the pig.

im afraid the year belongs to rock band yet again for giving us a half-way decent portable game and a game for all the well deserving beatles fans (im not one but my roomates are)

and even if your not a beatles fan, the songs are fun to play, even more fun to sing and have a trippy backround eouforea. its fun. okay. its bright and wavey and its a lot cheaper than a pound of weed (yet almost as damaging to your brain).

so looks like rock band narrowly makes it just by having a guitar game featuring real guitars.

so the score is 1.5 to 1.5 and i cant wait to see next years................

what..................

i just found this odd game that comes free with guitar hero 5. holy crap in a peta! the songs.. are....

GOOD!

what witch craft is this.. gasp its.......

cools.

though it may be a giveaway gift, in many ways its better than the game its trying to promote.

why? well its f**king free! also it has a lot of great songs and just like the beatles rock band, you dont have to like van halen for the songs to be fun.

also, ITS FREE!

well ttff for now my wayward kittens (metalacolypse rules, whens that going to be a guitar hero game?)

heres van halens track list:

Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love"
Van Halen
"And the Cradle Will Rock..."
Van Halen
"Atomic Punk"
Van Halen
"Beautiful Girls"
Van Halen
"Best of You"
Foo Fighters
"Cathedral" (solo)
Van Halen
"Come to Life"
Alter Bridge
"Dance the Night Away"
Van Halen
"Dope Nose"
Weezer
"Double Vision"
Foreigner
"End of Heartache" "The End of Heartache"
Killswitch Engage
"Eruption" (solo)
Van Halen
"Everybody Wants Some!!"
Van Halen
"Feel Your Love Tonight"
Van Halen
"First Date"
Blink-182
"Hang ‘Em High"
Van Halen
"Hear About It Later"
Van Halen
"Hot for Teacher"
Van Halen
"Ice Cream Man"
Van Halen
"I'm the One"
Van Halen
"I Want It All"
Queen
"Jamie's Cryin'"
Van Halen
"Jump"
Van Halen
"Little Guitars"
Van Halen
"Loss of Control"
Van Halen
"Master Exploder"
Tenacious D
"Mean Street"
Van Halen
"(Oh) Pretty Woman"
Van Halen
"Pain"
Jimmy Eat World
"Painkiller"
Judas Priest
"Panama"
Van Halen
"Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)"
Offspring The Offspring
"Rock and Roll Is Dead"
Lenny Kravitz
"Romeo Delight"
Van Halen
"Runnin' with the Devil"
Van Halen
"Safe European Home"
Clash The Clash
"Semi-Charmed Life"
Third Eye Blind
"Sick, Sick, Sick"
Queens of the Stone Age
"So This Is Love?"
Van Halen
"Somebody Get Me a Doctor"
Van Halen
"Space Truckin'"
Deep Purple
"Spanish Fly" (solo)
Van Halen
"Stacy's Mom"
Fountains of Wayne
"Takedown" "The Takedown"
Yellowcard
"Unchained"
Van Halen
"White Wedding"
Billy Idol
"You Really Got Me"
Van Halen

(wikipedia.org)

For Great Justice

So yes, some republicans decided that Barack Obama's speech on education had brainwashing in it and that they shouldn't let their kids watch it. I heard this before hearing the speech, so I was zetta befuddled by this controversy. See, if Obama walked up to that podium, said, "Try hard in school," and stepped down, the meaning of his speech would have been communicated, it just wouldn't have been as convincing.

I am reminded of John McCain's add where he compared Obama to Paris Hilton. Is that why we should've voted for Obama? Because he didn't try hard in school, just like Paris Hilton? Or I know, you just want to teach your kids that all liberals are hellspawns that should not even be given the decency of listening to a simple speech that preaches morals anyone with a responsibility function in their brain would agree with. Do your homework, kids! Satan's word. Being successful isn't easy! Did he just try to convince me that genetic talent isn't a free ride through life? Don't drop out of school! But when will my kids do what I want them to do if they don't drop out of school? Honestly, you'd think evolution would have killed off these people before fire was discovered. Or maybe not believing in evolution frees you from it being real. At least, that's what they'd argue. Idiots.

MOAR FAIL!

So yes, I've been pre-ordering my share of albums, getting early single downloads, and then being zetta aggravated because, you see, it turns out that half the bands I decided to pre-order the albums of are idiots. Factoring idiots. As in, they're all like, "this song a f***ing amazing!!!!! It overshadows everything good you have heard before this song!"

And Three Days Grace was lying. Or, if the fan reception tells me anything, they were selling out. Mainstreamingizing their factoring song as much as they can so everyone will be hyped up about their album when, in reality, they failed to produce a better single than Paramore.

And, to Paramore's credit, I was actually concerned about them releasing a crappy single. Considering all the hype was being shoved onto Misery Business, CrushCrushCrush, despite being a zetta terrible song, got quite a bit of popularity. Monetarily, the best thing to do to react to that would be to release another CrushCrushCrush as the single for their next album. But they didn't. Now, Three Days Grace, you factoring hectopascals, what can we learn from this? Not to pay $60 for special editions of your album the way I did, that's for sure. Now I don't know what I'll do with that t-shirt I'll get with it because wearing it would be a mark of shame. Thanks for being nice to your fans, you assholes! Fucking assholes!

Now, I'm not the kind of person who says my favorite band is selling out because one of their singles got on Guitar Hero or because you can buy their songs off of iTunes, I judge selling out by the sound of a band. Three Days Grace went for a more mainstream sound, blending with all those other metal bands, while Paramore diverged from their wuss-friendly pop-punk to anarchist-friendly punk. Is it unfair to judge these bands by their singles? Maybe in the case of Three Days Grace since their two guitarists differ greatly in style and sound. But honestly, if Paramore's got a better single than you, then all my respect is gone. So goodbye, Three Days Grace! You're going down from #3 to #4! See, it says on your website...

"the only ones we could really relate to were the true fans. They know what's going on inside your head because they are the ones that are hearing it in your music"

...And you just threw that away. Congratulations! You get the idiot of the year award! I hopre you're happy now!

Interactive storytelling

So yeah, Unskippable did their conclusion to Metal Gear August, and that made me start wondering: Why the factor was MGS 4 ever so popular? I've never played it, but I've heard enough to know that it can hardly be called a game. Unskippable jokingly said that it was a movie where the player occasionally got control.

Paradoxically, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare was also quite popular. Another game I've never played but have heard enough about to know that I do want to. Supposedly, one of the joys of COD 4 is that you're in control even when you're playing as a character who's on the brink of death. After seeing that scene in MGS 4 via Unskippable where everyone's being inflicted mass pain because of some uber weapon, I thought to myself, "You know, that would be zetta cool if you were in control." Imagine just playing normally, when, all of the sudden, snake starts keeling over in pain and you move much slower. You're still in control and led to believe that the mission's not over.You limp around, trying to fight, yet unsuccessfully. A feeling of dread comes over you as you are led to believe that you're a second a way from the game over screen...

The definition of a game includes the word interactive. Cutscenes are not interactive, and thus should be avoided. Even if the events are scripted, the player should still be able to control the character when possible. Take Bioshock. Would watching Atlus get attacked be as suspenseful if your hands were away from the keyboard, convinced that you can't do anything? But even though you can't, restricting the players actions with a wall rather than disconnecting the controls makes you feel like the reason you can't help Atlus is because you're not trying hard enough. A fabrication? Yes. A zetta convincing fabrication? Double yes.

So come now, Hideo Kojima. It would have been easier to make a movie rather than fully-rendered cutscenes. Perhaps MGS 4 had a good storyline, but I buy video games to play. Whether I'm playing a part in a story or having fun shooting aliens, I don't give a digit, but really. Let me play.

Everything you're going to download this September

So this month, Paramore and Three Days Grace are definitely releasing albums, whereas Spineshank, Rammstein, and Silent Civilian's albums can only be prayed for along, along with the American release of Die Mannequin's album. This could mean some uncomfortable shifting on my list of favorite bands, what with Slipknot only having beaten Spineshank because they DIDN'T write Strictly Diesel and Three Days Grace never really have gotten a fair chance with Barry Stock only having been in the band for half their albums. Silent Civilian gets to see if it'll remain as my favorite metalcore band over SOAD (they will), while Paramore has a similar dilemma with trying to stay my favorite pop-punk band over Jimmy Eat World. Which will be easy since I don't like Jimmy Eat World, and if their single Ignorance was any indication of things to come, it sounds like they'll be more punk than pop, in which case Die Mannequin will come in and pwnzorz all because Die Mannequin is one of the best bands ever formed.

And Rammstein will sit there, begging me to make a new category for German Bands so they can win by default.

What I want to know is why these bands couldn't have released all their albums shortly after I got bored of All Hope is Gone and had to find new bands like SOAD and In This Moment, with no offense to either of them, but there were still periods of musical boredom that'll soon be replaced by musical overload. It's like how all the good video games come out just before Christmas, only there's always kongregate, and there are more video games I like than bands, so it's worse. And that's the end of my rant,go pre-order life starts now, or, if you're a wuss, pre-order Brand New Eyes. Deluxe version has a Paramore music video, which you definetely want to see after this.

I will review with extreme prejudice

So yes, I was recently playing Contra: Hard Corps, which I will review soon, and came across this quote:

"This time we will attack with extreme prejudice!"

(link provided because I honestly had doubts. How could someone suck so much at English and get a job as a translator?)

Don't mind if I ask, but what the factor does that mean? With the exception of a boss, we've only been killing white males, so what, would extreme exclude that one boss? No, because the main villain is black, too. So really, I have no idea what the factor this quote is supposed to mean! I was seriously rofling when I first read this because it makes no factoring sense! I'm surprised it's engrish phrases like: "All your base are belong to us" and "You spoony bard" that get all the attention. Why do we choose the quotes we remember with extreme prejudice? See? It has so many practical applications!

Once upon a time, I saw the preview for District 9 and said to myself, "That looks uninteresting." I saw the preview several more times and wondered if the movie had a storyline or if it was just random gibberish that some idiots thought they could sell. This taught me a valuable life lesson: Find a producer with an advertising budget above three factoring dollars.

But instead of wasting a post ranting about a preview, I'll tell you that District 9 had a zetta slow introduction. Guy gets sprayed with zetta mysterious liquid, I go "Oh, he turn into alien!" Movie spend more time than necessary pointing out that he's infected until his arm becomes an alien arm, in which case the movie immediately goes from boring to interesting. So also find someone who will hire an editor for your script and make it more celeritous.

But then the story about how humans react to this and the way in which it factors the half-alien's life was entertaining until the credits rolled, although some of my friends said the ending was too depressing. Quite frankly, I am so zetta tired of poeople saying they hate the ending of something or other because it was "too depressing." If a writer can get an emotional reaction from you, I see that as a sign of talent/good thing, not something to carp on. So please... leave District 9's ending alone.

Although there were few action scenes, some of the stuff in the final battle were pretty cool, so if you felt ripped off because you paid to see Transformers 2, District 9 should solve some (but not all) of your action movie woes. Not really a big factor in whether or not you should see District 9, but worth mentioning.

Pretty much everything not mentioned (things like the acting) was really only average, but the script and directing were good enough that any sci-fi fan/nerd or anyone who wants to kill time of ran evening should go see District 9, a very zetta awesome movie.

more like de-evolution

I recently had the "pleasure" of being forced to watch Dragon Ball: Evolution by my brother. Now, if the thought of a live action action Dragon Ball movie doesn't deeply disturb (or you don't laugh whenever someone says dragon ball) (sorry about that one), then please continue reading. Otherwise, pretend this post doesn't exist.

First thing I didn't like: the acting. I guess I can't actually give an example without posting a clip, but it sucks. Not single actor in that movie did a good job. It wasn't painful overacting, it was just simply bad, monotonous, lacking any emotion, etc, etc, etc.

Then there was the storyline. Someone's trying to save the Earth and the chosen one must stop him. But first, find your master. Minus a plot twist that anyone who's read the comics can see coming, that's it. Apart from being cliche and overused, it's not very true to the comics. I'm sure you remember Goku, the kid no one understood because he wouldn't shut up about chi and the world ending during eclipses. And Chichi, his warrior girlfriend. And Master Roshi, who made one perverted action during the whole comic. And that and this and zetta fail.

And then there was the special effects. Crap! Action scenes were also zetta boring.

So, in short, there's NOTHING to like about Dragon Ball: Evolutions. Nihil. Zilch. It's not even bad enough to warrant lolz for those of us who like to see fail on our TVs. A blatant waste of time.

WOOT!!!!

I was on vacation, so I guess I'll put three reviews in one post. Kay now, all you inverse idiots, I was just on kongregate.com and Upgrade Complete was the number one game. Oh, come on, I could make a better game all by my factoring self! Furthermore, I did it in an hour. So, here it goes, UPGRADE COMPLETE REVIEW!

The basis of upgrade complete is that you have to buy everything as an upgrade. The shop hwere you buy upgrades, the music, the size of the logos, etc. etc. This was mildly amusing until I got to the title screen, in which case it got old and I stopped caring.

Then came the gameplay. It looks like another game trying to rip off Galaga at first, but it has an interesting catch: You can't die, you must simply prevent all the enemies from crossing the screen. The game starts out hard and gets easy as you buy upgrades, particularly missile launchers, the most overpowered upgrade in the game. You can basically just sit there and fire a bunch of times until the wave is over if you've got enough.

However, the game reminds why upgrades were put into video games in the first place. Replaying the last level a bunch of times to get all the upgrades may seem boring, but I actually did it for no other purpose than to get all the upgrades the game had to offer. It's not a good game, but it has some cool to offer.

On the other hand, I did lake the shooter Pixelvader. Borrowing design philosophies from Touhou, mass precision is required to fight of enemy waves without dying, until, of course, you get all the upgrades. Which is, by far, my biggest complaint with Pixelvader. Once you've got enough upgrades, everything but bosses ceases to be a challenge. Sure, you'll still have fun facing the bosses, but you spend more time fighting normal enemies than bosses. I wouldn't complain if the levels got gradually harder and the bosses, being at the end of the level, were the hardest, but that isn't the case; the difficulty of a level is stable until you fight the boss. If it was a matter of getting to the boss with as much health as you can, I wouldn't complain, but one of the upgrades allows you to regenerate health. If you ask me, removing the health regen upgrade would be the best way to improve the game, as it would solve most of the game's preoblems.

Just as a warning, the first level of Pixelvader is very boring. You may think it's unnecessary of me to mention this, but if I hadn't been exiled from my room by my dog, I probably wouldn't have continued after the first level since it's so boring.

And my last review: Robert Crosby's LAST BLOOD!!!!! My complaints with Mr. Crosby's other works were that, despite being a talented author, Crosby can't consolidate all of his talents into one webcomic. Last Blood feels a lot like a failed attempt to do just that. More time is spent developing characters and the plot doesn't feel like it's there just for lolz. But did it succeed? Unofrtunately, no.

The plot's pretty much Twilight if you replaced the suck with zombies. At least, I think so. Not having ever read Twilight, I guess I'm not an authority on such things. So anyways, the zombie apocalypse happens, and vampires try to protect the last remaining humans, as they are dependant on them for food, proving that they are smarter than us since we don't use the same logic in terms of the environment. Cough Cough factor you all. Then a vampire falls in love with a human and another human has sex with another vampire and then... Yeah. Stuff.

Now, despite his past successes, Last Blood isn't really written that well. I guess I'll blame the other Mr. Crosby since my brain can't accept the possibility of Robert being a zetta bad writer even some of the time. The comic could have really benefitted from being, say, twice as long, as a lot of parts (especially the ending) feel zetta rushed.

As for the characters, despite attempts at developing them, they all feel rather dry and stereotyped. Now, they could be much worse, but I guess I've come to expect more from Robert Crosby.

terrorists stole my car!!!!! (?)

I hevent been on for a wile so I have a surprise.... 2 brand name reviews in one post! time is short and the burrito i have in the microwave has a 2 minute wait until it explodes. so with out any hessitation heres.... a tribute to one of my earlier reviews, it was only a matter of time before this small new york, wannabe job for a cowboy, myspace band would release a second album. after listening to it extensively, i have determined its not much better than the first. gone is the "pig squeal" singing of the frontman (which job for a cowboy started) and replaced is a more thrashy, hardcore sound thats more screamo than death metal. my favorite song would have to be "lets get invisable" in which the frontman (tyler) does some uncomfortable panting in between lyrics. for the rest of the songs...... i hate to say they are all remakes, but they are labled as there old songs just with ver.2 or v1 at the end and it gets kind of confusing. i dont hate there new album, i just wish they could have put more work into it. oh well, there merchendise is cool and they have been on tour (I highly recommend you check it out, the song "party" is better live than any recording its also fun to sing along to.... or Rob the bassist threatens to kill you. :))

so i give it 7 lets get invisables out of 10.

(what did you think of the black font i used? awsome huh.)

our next review is of....

what is dot dot curve :)? is it a screamo punk techno band or some scenekid with a microphone? i have no idea. but they kick (moderate) ass. dot dot curve :) released there first full length album early this year called "till' the weeles fall off". it was a good album with catchy songs, hystericaly offbeat and inappropreat lyrics, but was still fun to listen to. the joy of dot dot curve :)'s music is its flat out mocking of the scenekid genre all wile keeping to the basics of the music its trying to insult. everyday is halloween is also kinda good, but only being half an album kinda makes you wish there were more songs. but who cares its still got the same charm and vulgarity as there first CD including "f**k my life" and "thisishalloween" and many more (by many i mean 3). i really wish there was more to the CD. even the first one had a laugh track at the end were people made fun of the way the band members dressed, all leading up to one of my favorite songs "rocketship to the moon". so if you like outrageous lyrics to screamo punk music....get a life.

i give it 5 rocketships to the moon out of 10:) (its still better than "blood on the dancefloor")

the next game i will do a review of will be.....

joy, my comic book heroes get to kill my video game heroes! and mega man.

sh*t, my burrito exploded :(.

Blood hath been spilt

I just downloaded the new version of iTunes, restarted my computer, left-clicked on the icon twice, and...

Do you want to send an error report?

Click again.

Program is not currently installed.

Factor you, Apple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How could you do this to me?!!!!


Go to itunes.com, re-download, restart my computer again.

Do you want to send an error report?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Maybe someone at Microsoft will get a chuckle out of this. In the meantime, Apple better fix this problem. Or hire better beta testers, preferably ones who are real and can understand how a program not opening is a problem. This terrible sin will never be forgiven. Ever.

coming soon (heh heh soon)

your about to witness the rare seeing of an update. since i have nothing to new to report, i have decided to post he following vids. on my youtube page.

-review indeana jones and the staff of kings
-review "EMOtive" by a perfect circle
-review "ruination" by job for a cowboy
- punishment for rise against
-review punisher: no mercy
- top bands that need to be in guitar hero or rock band
-skit, the trouble with drummers

and sadley, many more! i did get this one comment for my shellshock 2 review in which i made a mistake by confusing an ak-47 for an smg. lolz and i thought i are stupid. isnt an ak-47 A MACHINE GUN!!? AND DID THEY EVEN HAVE THOSE IN NAM!!!? what ever check out my lame- ass vids. on you tube and look up anorexicfatkid571. and thats all for now.

Revenge of the not-as-good. Or something

A belated review of Transformers 2 I shalt now give you. Nowz, anyways, when Transformers 1 came out it wowed everyone with its amazing storyline: giant robots punching each other on the face. With missiles. Can you think of a better storyline? No, you can't. However, the writer of Transformers seemed to misunderstand what it means to be able to come up with a good storyline and thought he was also a good writer. Roflmao.

The entire first fifth of Transformers 2 felt like it was comic relief. No, not slapstick comedy, I'm on drugs comedy. Which was funny because Shia Labeouf was on drugs, but he was the only character who didn't act like it. Comic relief reappeared throughout the movie to annoy those of us who wanted to see explosions and giant robots and had a good sense of humor.

Then there was the whole gooey romanctic parts. Those can only be described as really, really, zetta zetta crappy. Or just as BAD!!!! As in, bad, bad bad bad dscript writer, why the factor did you put these scenes in? Your characters have dry personalities, you can't write, yet you tried to get an emotional response from the audience. The characters got even worse in this movie, as it became nearly impossible to distinguish good guys from bad guys. We must save the humans! After we act like cold-blooded serial killers! Roarsauce! Show no emotion, only blood! Their blood! Now save the humans!

But, to be fair, Transformers 2 did have some stuff that I liked. The new robots were cooler than the ones in Transformers 1, and some of the few actions scenes were much more spectacular than that of Transformers 1. Yes, Transformers 2 is worse than Transformers 1, but because it tried to hard to be good and forgot that people only came to see robot on robot action. Wait a second...

an example of how to epic fail

Recently, I went on the talk page of wikipedia because I'm a nerd who would rather study abnormal psychology than converse with girls or something else completely and totally pointless when I discovered some factoring IDIOTS trying to argue a zetta retarded point. And that point was that schizoid personality disorder should not be called a personality disorder. This is because the experts COMPLETELY overlooked the fact that noone with schizoid personality (disorder) has ever sought treatment for their condition. Ever. But, despite already having enough reason to think that these peoples were inverse idiots, I kept reading to see what completely unintelligable points they would make....

Firstly, they said that calling schizoid personality a disorder was a way of keeping the noncomformists down. This confused me because I thought that all personality disorders involved noncomformism, and, if you don't mind stretching things occasionally, so is pretty much everything else you study in abnormal psychology. And if we were to give the prize of nonconformity to a single psychological condition, it would probably be some form of autism. If we were to narrow it down to personality disorders, I'd say the king would be antisocial personality disorder. Right there in the symptoms: inability to conform to social norms. And they use that term very loosely; not killing people is often considered a social norm in the context of ASPD. Yet do they say that calling ASPD a disorder is wrong? Is that beating down the social minorities? No, it's beating down the sociopaths who do whatever the factor they want, of course! Hey, they had a bad life, what with their alcoholic fathers in all, unlike SPD patients, for whom studies have given us no reason to think they had a bad life, but, y'know, they're too nonconformist for me.

But they elaborated on this point a little; having no interest in social relationships gives you your own, unbiased perspective on things not weighed down on the agendas of those of us too unfortunate to have a personality disorder. Now look, that is so zetta idiotic I just can't tolerate it. Personality disorders often begin in adolescence and, a vast majority of the time, do not fully manifest until adulthood. By that time, their parents and their teachers have already force-fed the schizoids their beliefs. Under your logic, they are just as conformist as the rest of us, except they've stopped conforming to new things and when yo-yos become cool again, they won't care. So badass. I wish I had the courage to not do that. Oh wait, you don't even need a personality disorder to do that. I've seen it happen all the time, you factoring retards. Retards! Reatardsretardsretards. You suck at life.

Now let's look at why SPD patients seek treatment: Let's see... they... uh, just a second, I'm struggling... Oh yeah, THEY AREN'T SATISFIED WITH THEIR LIVES! It's that factoring simple! SPD is a disorder, no matter what you may stupidly think, shut up and except it.

Rise Against quality!!!! Roar!!!!

So, for the third time in my life, I just saw...

LIVE!!!!!

(Totally the best picture I could find)

Now, the first time I saw Rise Against live, I wasn't very impressed, but did I blame Rise Against? No, I blamed My Chemical Romance because only a band that crappy would have such a zetta bad manager that he'd plan a show in a venue with such zetta terrible sound quality that you can't tell octaves apart without some sort of ultra-epic hearing aid. The second time, I was much impressed musically, but I also couldn't think of a band with a worse performance than Rise Against. Going blind folded wouldn't have been detrimental to the experience, and, with the exception of a single inspirational quote, everything Tim Mcllrath said in between songs was BORING! Like you!

Now, before I go on to how good Rise Against was this time, I'd just like to say that Rancid and Riverboat Gamblers are both okay live, but suck at engaging the crowd. So maybe Rise Against is just like every other punk rock band in that aspect.

Back when I reviewed Appeal to Reason, I still gave out scores, and Appeal to Reason got a 5/6. But, after seeing Rise Against live with their new album out and such, I have decided that it only deserved a 3/6. Collapse made for a worse intro than Drones, just to start off my complaints, and pretty much every song but Re-education Through Labor off of Appeal to Reason wasn't that good. The songs they did play from The Sufferer and the Witness as well as Siren Song of the Counter Culture were factoring amazing, but I really think that Appeal to Reason decreased the musical quality of their liveness.

As for their engagination of the crowd, Rise Against improved. Slightly. I wouldn't say they did all that great; it felt like fans complained about how dry it is to be in the crowd so they went to some concerts and ripped off other bands, y'know? MAKE NOISE! MAKE NOISE! I bet every other lead singer in the world has done that so much they're all at risk of getting bored to death if they say it another time. Still better than the other two times they did it, but who cares? i don't judge bands relative to themselves, that would be silly. I judge them relative to Slipknot, particularly their drummers, and that's why they all fail when it comes to what they do onstage-their drummers all assume they can stay on solid land the whole time.

So, see Rise Against live, but their's no shame in bringing a blind fold and taking a nap between songs. Quite honestly, if you didn't see them live before Appeal to Reason came out, you are missing out on some the most zetta awesome awesomeness I have heard in my life. But consider this the next best thing and everything will be okay. It's a perfect concert on a perfect day. And yes, you shoudl feel factored with if you read that sentence with a tinge of deja vu.